It starts here

I feel most creative and full of words when i'm going through hard times. Because of this, i've decided to create a blog to document one of the biggest experiences i will ever have in my life. I want to use this to share my experience with others, and also to keep friends and family updated on my quest.

On 4/13/07, i was diagnosed with cancer - Osteosarcoma (or osteogenic sarcoma) of the right shoulder/arm. Sarcoma is a very rare form of cancer, it is actually a pediatric cancer in which children battle. It occurrs in the connective tissues and joints in the body.

It all started with a tightness in my right arm muscle, nothing that was painful - it just felt very tight and i found it difficult to stretch out. A month later the tightness subsided and i started to notice some pain and swelling in my shoulder, and eventually noticed that i could do less and less with my right arm without pain. I knew something was wrong...

Everyone kept assuring me that it's probably just a torn rotator cuff or a pulled muscle. I was hoping for this too, but in the back of my mind i always knew it was something more serious because i am not the most active person, and i knew that i didn't do anything physical to cause such discomfort. One day i was talking to my sister and i jokingly/nervously diagnosed myself saying "watch i have a cancerous tumor" sure enough...

Needless to say, i am very careful with my words now ;)

Sarcoma is very random and rarely genetic. They really have no reason for it happening, and haven't done all that much research on it because it is so rare. However there are survivors and you better believe that i will be one of them.

In all honestly this still doesn't feel real, and i feel like time has stopped. There is no difference between Sunday night and Friday afternoon anymore, all I am focused on is the finish line and what i need to do to get there. I quickly learned that there is no time to feel sorry for yourself when you are in a sitution like this. I took a week or so to be incredibly upset, but now it is time to fight and get this s*** out of me.

I am so lucky to have such an amazing support system by my side. My friends, family, boyfriend, and "co-workers" have shown nothing but love and positive thoughts for me. It helps tremendously and i can't thank you enough. You keep me going.

I am being treated by one of the best cancer centers in America: Memorial Sloan-Kettering in NYC. Since i am a Sarcoma patient, i am being treated in the pediatric area. The area is bright and colorful with a young upbeat staff. There are clowns and craft time and kids everywhere. It does lift my spirits compared to the uncomfortable white walls of the adult cancer area...but at the same time the irony of children laughing and playing with tubes hanging out and no hair breaks my heart. The fact that children have to go through this overwhelms me and i end up being the big baby in the pediatric area! It gets easier each time i go, and my goal is to be the solid big sister there.

They informed me of the seriousness of this disease and grade of my cancer, but also assured me of the confidence in their treatment and surgical expertise. The doctors and nurses i have met are all amazing and incredibly positive. I will undergo 10 weeks of chemo, surgery will happen around the July timeframe, and then there will be 20 weeks of follow-up chemotherapy.

I had my first dose of chemo (High Dose Methotrexate correction: Cisplatin/Doxorubicin) almost two weeks ago, and it hit me hard. The hospital gives you infortmative cards on each of the drugs you receive, and i believe i caught every side-effect possible. I won't get into the details but i can firmly say that i've never felt so awful in all my life. However, this week i am feeling 100% - it seems like it will be waves of ups & downs.

I remember seeing cancer patients previous to my diagnosis and thinking "wow, this is horrible these people look so lifeless" thinking that the cancer is what was causing the constant look of fatigue and pain. When really, it is the chemotherapy. I'm sure there are some cases where the cancer is extremley painful, but for the most part the chemo does it. It really does feel like poison in your body, but i just keep in mind that if i feel this awful - then my tumor is feeling that as well. And that is a really good thing.

Two days ago my hair started falling out, it is sad, but i know it will grow back. Goodbye flat iron (for now!).

I think that's all for now. I just wanted a way of updating everyone all at once, so i will continue to update this page as much as possible. I was thinking about doing a YouTube Vlog of this experience as well, but i am still thinking about it. Since i can't imagine myself talking to a camera without laughing, but who knows - i may go for it. I will also try to document this through photography as well, however you are not allowed to bring camera's into the treatment areas, so i guess i can't bring my big Canon SLR camera, eh? Maybe i can sneak my small digital camera in...we'll see.

Thank you all for your love and support, don't you worry about me. I will beat this. <3